I am the Mother of Dragons! On Going to War, Going to Work & Giving Thanks! – Winter is Coming!

It’s been a while since we last touched base.  My last post – the post-triathlon euphoria post was, well, euphoric…

Now it is mid-December.  Halloween, Thanksgiving and Chanukah have passed us by – in our house we called it Thanksgivukkah.  It is now the season of darkness – we are marching each day to the shortest day of the year.  There is a reason Chanukah (and Christmas, Kwanza, and all the other symbolically light religious and pagan holidays) is in the winter – these Festivals of Lights are needed to brighten and warm these dark, cold and short days of winter

As they say in one of the few popular shows that I have watched, Game of Thrones, “Winter is Coming…” Indeed it is.

Jocelyn and I started watching the show last winter in January 2013.  We caught up on the all of the seasons and we are anxiously waiting for the next season (I think it comes out spring 2014).  It is a weird mix of violence, fantasy, sex, royals, war, strategy – it is kinda like the Tudors but set in a barbarian fantasy land with magic – or something like that.  We loved it!  There is one character in it who I. Just. Love.

Her name is Queen Daenerys Targaryen.  It is a long story but she is now this very cool character who is the Mother of Dragons… literally.  The short story is this.  She was the daughter of the King who sat on the Iron Throne.  There was a rebellion and her dad (deemed “mad” by many) and most of her family were killed except her and her brother.  Her family had ruled for a while and in their history they had been powerful because they had dragons.  The dragons have been gone for a very long time.  She and her brother were no longer in power and on their own.  Her weird power hungry brother sold her off as a wife/slave to a barbarian tribe King.  She gets married to this guy she has never met and received these ancient dragon eggs as a wedding present.  Fast forward some episodes/seasons later – this woman who hasn’t said much becomes this formidable Queen to the barbarian King and they fall in love.  She is pregnant with the heir to the united two royal houses.  One thing leads to another – her evil brother is killed, her husband dies and she loses the baby – BUT she hatches the dragon eggs in the fires of the funeral pyres of her husband’s death ritual – WOW!  She becomes the mother of real, live, fire breathing dragons – through despair she literally breathes magical wonder into those eggs and the dragons are the greatest things ever.  The story continues from there and she in the midst of a huge political power struggle/war to reclaim the throne – the Iron Throne with the help of her dragons – which she refers to as her children.  She is also gorgeous, powerful and quite the heroine – although I am a bit worried that her character arc might take turn this coming season – but we shall see.

I am the Mother of Dragons

Back to me.  I’ve decided I am the mother of my own dragons – Jonah & Vera.  I mean that in the best sense.  And like Queen Daenerys Targaryen, I find myself often going to war and trying to out strategize the most sophisticated of opponents – my kids.  Unlike Queen Daenerys Targaryen, my dragons are sometimes my opponents…

Remember, I went back to work.  We have a new schedule – and I was never a schedule person to begin with. But now, every workday/school day we are very very scheduled.  A typical day goes like this.  Hopefully everyone slept through night – though lately that is not always happening.  Jocelyn and I usually get up at 5am and try to have some “us time” before the beginning of our action packed days.  From 5:30am to 6:30am that is my time to be on call.  If the kids don’t get up then I can sleep in – but if they get up, I start the getting up, go to the bathroom, brush teeth and get dressed routine.  Then at 6:30am Jocelyn takes over.  She finishes getting them dressed and ready and then they have breakfast together.  That is when I take a shower and get dressed for work.  Around 7:30am, I join them and we have a bit of chaotic family time as the lunches get packed - they are “made” the night before.

At 7:45am, we start the bathroom stop, socks, shoes, goodbyes and the goal is to be in the car at 7:55.

Going to War.

This is when we got to war…

It didn’t start off that way – but it evolved into a war.  They do not want to put on their socks or shoes.  They do not want to go to the bathroom.  They do not want to put on their coats, hats or gloves… It is war.  A war of wills, of patience, and of mind control.  Jocelyn actually described it about a month ago after I was walking out the door with the kids – both of them acting like complete crazy possessed wackos… she looked at me directly in my eyes after we hugged good-bye and she said. “this is like going to war…”  She was right.

As a result, we have instituted some new disciplinary techniques.  We went back to strictly adhering to the 123 Magic book.  It has gotten much better – but it is still war.  Sometimes a quieter war, more passive war.  But it takes patience, will power, strategy, foresight, planning and a lot of mindful breathing…

I drop the kids off a school at 8am on the dot.  They are usually the first kids to school – which is actually nice in a way – it is quiet then.  They get “special time” with their teachers and they like it.  Drop off is hit or miss – sometimes easy peasy – sometimes a minor battle – but it gets done.  I often walk back to my car dressed in my work clothes and hot pink crocs (I cannot do all the war stuff in heels), I fall into the driver’s seat of my car, switch the radio from the Princess and the Frog soundtrack to NPR, and then I take a really long deep breath (it might also be part sigh), the time is usually 8:12am – it feels like I just went to war. I start the car and then it is time to go to work…

Going to Work

I drive about 15 minutes to my work parking garage. Park. Put on my three and half inch heels and take off my hot pink crocs.  Throw my government ID badge around my neck, grab my leopard print computer bag and leather purse (remnants from my law firm partner days) and go to my office.  I am the first one to my office suite.  I open the door.  I flip on the lights.  I make my coffee.  I turn on my computer.  For about 30 to 45 minutes I am in quiet.  I organize my work day and try to get some key things done off my work-to-do list as efficiently as possible before my colleagues arrive.  It is the exact opposite of dealing with my kids.  The new job is great.  I am lucky.  It is still new and I am enjoying it.  I have never been so conscious of being efficient and effective while I am at the office in my work career.  The substantive work I am doing is rewarding.  It is a new and extremely interesting subject matter.  It is also a new position for me – which involves lots of different skills that I enjoy using – lots of people skills.  Lots of strategy, politics and intuition.  Lots of patience and observation.  Maybe it is not that different from my mom role – just a lot quieter with much bigger words.  It is nice to spend my day having adult conversations in which my insight and intelligence is valued.  It feels good to be using my brain in a more intellectual way again.  I can literally feel the cylinders firing at fast speeds when I sit in meetings (I have many meetings) or when I am drafting documents.  It is all good.  A picture of each of my kids is prominently displayed in my office.  I look at them often.  I miss my dragons and think about them sporadically throughout the day.  I am often talking about them to my new work colleagues.  Such is the life of the working mom.  I do feel pangs of guilt for not being home more with them sometimes.  I do really miss going on spur of them moment adventures with them and creating all kinds of projects with them at completely unscheduled times. 

But then I remember, how much they LOVE school.  How well they are doing at school.  I think about the “portfolios” their teachers gave to us at parent-teacher night – filled with photos of them “working” on their Montessori work.  Vera is blossoming.  She is wearing underwear now and speaks in full paragraphs.  She is constantly signing, dancing and narrating her way through her day. Jonah is sounding out words, trying to read everything, adding things and speaking French.  Apparently, they have both taken it upon their selves to help “teach” younger kids in their classes?!?!  They are constantly singing all the songs from The Sound of Music – the music they will perform at their holiday show.  I go through this checklist and I sigh.  I breathe again – in my most mindful way.  I am so damn lucky.

I work all day and at 5:30pm, I switch from office mommy to pick-up kids mommy.  Whatever is going on, I must excuse myself (I am so lucky for my ability to have a job that I can do this) and walk out the door.  It is hard for me do this – goes against my previous professional habits – but my dragons are waiting for me.  My most anxious time of the day is the drive from my office building to their school.  I have 30 minute to make it to school before school closes.  I usually get there in 15 minutes but the smallest thing can throw me off – rain, a stopped car on Conn Ave, a missed traffic light…  They are usually the last kids to get picked up.  They are tired and hungry.  I wrestle my dragons to the car.  We get home by 6:10pm and then we have dinner, take showers, watch one Curious George show, read a book/story together and then bedtime.  Jocelyn usually arrives home at some point during this time on a good day.  Once they are in bed, I clean up the kitchen, make their lunches for the next day, Jocelyn and I hang out for less than 30 minutes and then we go to sleep.  Sometimes I need to get back online for work to finish something and check emails but usually I do not.

It starts all over again at 5am the next morning.

Giving Thanks.

THANK YOU UNIVERSE!  It is hard.  It is wrought with unscheduled crises and contingencies like teacher conference days off from school, kids getting sick not being able to go to school, delayed school openings because of snow, snow days off from school, my recent work trip to California, and much much more – but so far we have made it happen.  We are only three months in, we are exhausted, and I am thankful!

This past Thanksgivvukah, I could not believe how thankful I really was/am.  Thankful for my dragons.  My crazy, smart, compassionate, loud, energetic, empathetic, and mysterious dragons.  I must have done something right at some point in my life, because I ended up with them.  I am so grateful that I found a job in less than a month and that I like it, I am challenged by it and so far it works for me as much as I am working at it.  I am so lucky and thankful I have family that supports me.  My parents have already been here to help with the kids when I had to work.  My in-laws are always there for us and have already offered to help over the holiday break.  I am grateful that Jocelyn and I have been able to create a schedule in which we both take care of each other and the kids, to get it done, to go to war and to go to work – this is big stuff.

We even managed to do a family Turkey Trot with some very good friends on Thanksgiving Day.  I may go to an office during the day, during the week – but when I am not there I am still scheming adventures for us all. (We even did a Halloween 5k with kids in Philly as – we dressed as up as superheroes of course.)

It was a wonderful Halloween, Chanukah and Thanksgiving.  We are lucky we spent it with family and friends.  We are lucky to have each other.

Winter is Coming.

It actually may already be here.  It is pitch dark when I leave work at 5:30pm.  It is cold outside.  We already had a big snow.  The New Year is fast approaching.  Time is flying by.  The next phase is unfolding quickly before my eyes – and I just went to the eye doctor – new progressive lens glasses for me!  As we get older, the Dr. told me our eye sight gets worse.  Just as in the winter, it gets darker and then it is harder for us to see.  Maybe we are supposed to feel more, concentrate on seeing less.  I feel that my kids are getting older and more independent.  I feel like I am getting older, more tired and maybe just a little bit wiser.  I feel like my relationships with my family and friends are even more important when it is so cold and dark outside.  Winter is coming.

Winter is always coming.  The winter of aging.  The winter of maturing.  The winter of darkness.  The winter of coldness.

Those dragons of mine.  They breathe very bright, hot, sparkling fire into that cold darkness.  Like I said, I am so grateful for them.

No matter how busy, cold, dark, or overwhelming this winter might be – I can breathe too.  Even if my breath is not fire, it can bring space and calm into my world.  Whether I am going to war, going to work, or giving thanks… I am thankful for that breath.

I am looking forward to the new season of Game of Thrones in Spring 2014.  And although, I am trying earnestly to “be” present in this winter of holiday programs at the kids’ school, holiday breaks, holiday parties at work, and holiday celebrations with family and friends – I would lie if I wasn’t also excited that after winter – it is good to know that Spring follows.  Rebirth, warmth, magic and light – and the Game of Thrones on TV. 

Another chance to change again, to grow more, to take deeper breaths and to just be…

“When your dragons were born, our magic was born again.” – Game of Thrones. Season 2, Episode 10.

 

Halloween 5K in Philly



Hayride to the Pumpkin Patch in Philly



Halloween 2013 in Chevy Chase, DC

Green Lantern, Batman, Flash, and Aquaman!



FitKids Obstacle Course



FitKids Obstacle Course



My 43rd bday!



GOBBLE GOBBLE GELT!



Happy Thanksgivvukah at the DCJCC! with yummy sufganyiot!



Chanukah with Nana and Pop!



Turkey Trot 2013!



Thanksgiving in B'more!



School Picture 2013



School Picture 2013



Dinner at the Diner with Mickey and Minnie on the way home from school the day mommy got back from her first work trip!



winter clearly is coming!



don't worry mom - we can ride it out on our ponies!



Jonah tells me he is going to work dressed up like mama!



And Vera is going to work dressed up as me!

 

The Irony of An Iron Girl!

Take one more breath... come on - do it with me
Breathe in
Breathe out

It feels good doesn't it.

The New York Marathon.
The year I was going to turn 30, I ran the New York marathon.  It was November 1999.  That day is still on my list of ALLTIME GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE!

That year, I set a goal.  I turned 29 just days before the Marathon - I had decided that I wanted to run the New York Marathon before I turned 30 - or in my 30th year  (I later added to that goal I wanted to run two marathons that year so I also ran the Marin Corps Marathon in October 2000 - days before my 30th birthday).  I think back to why I decided to do it - and I know it was a ton of reasons.  I was feeling worried and anxious.  I had moved to a new city and had settled in.  I had finished law school and had a great new job working for the federal government.  I had fantastic friends and really fun and exciting social life - but what I really wanted was to be married when I turned 30.  At the time, I was in a relationship for over 10 years with a guy, and I think I knew I wasn't going to end up marrying him - although I desperately wanted to.  I think the marathon was one step in getting myself back, and preparing myself for what I knew was going to happened eventually - a big breakup - a huge change in my life.  I don't think I knew that at the time - but looking at back - I think I was affirming myself to myself...

You know choosing a huge challenge and accomplishing it - that is affirming.

I picked the New York City marathon because it is my favorite city IN THE WORLD.

I trained for about 6 months with a whole group of really great friends.  The weekend of the race I organized events all weekend with family and friends - from a big pasta party in Little Italy with our whole running crew and all our friends and family to the post race meetup at a local Irish Pub downtown - it was all planned and choreographed - and sorta resembled a "This is your life Heather" segment as I had friends from every part of my life - high school boyfriend to law school buddies and yes, even the then boyfriend for over 10 years - celebrating with me all weekend and along the marathon route. 

It was NEW YORK CITY and the entire race was lined at least 5 people deep with people cheering you on.  My dad got my little running crew race shirts with our names on them - so for a little over 5 hours people in every borough of the city where chanting my name.  ECSTASY.  The greatest moment was when I turned the corner onto first avenue from the bridge from Queens and you hear this roar of the crowd - JUST AWESOME.  In that moment - I knew what it must feel like to be Madonna - and it felt great. I crossed the finish line and knew I did the race in under 5 hours - my goal - and I was completely and totally happy and blissful.  Pure. Joy.

Fast forward 14 years later...

The Iron Girl.

As I look back now, when I decided to do the Iron Girl, I knew my life was changing.  I ended the blog.  Jocelyn and I had begun to talk about my going back to work.  It had been an awesome but very hard year for us as a family, individuals and a couple.  I think I knew life as I knew it was about to change.  So I coped in a predictable way.  I figured out a really tough physical challenge to affirm to myself that I can do anything if I commit to it - apparently this is how I operate...  and I went for it!

I trained with a very small crew.  I bought a bike.  I planned to go to spinning classes at the gym - but that never ever happened. I swam most times alone in the pool at the gym.  I had training sessions for strength training with my trainer at the gym.  I ran most days alone on Connecticut Ave - often the same streets I ran 14 years ago with my buddies when training for the marathon.  On Saturdays, we went for long bike rides and bricks (bikes rides plus runs back to back) with a few very good buddies.  I did a timed TRI trial at the gym for a triathlon and did much better than I expected - I did it alone while Jocelyn's was home with the kids. I didn't really follow a precise training schedule - I sorta synthesized from a few books.  I read a bunch about triathlons but not much about the one I was actually doing?!?!  I had trained pretty hard core up until about 5 weeks before the race... then we had the big vacation, I got sick and we had tons of family and friends and holidays... so I diverted a bit from the training plan... and didn't do that much.

And then just like that, it was race weekend.  This time race weekend was planned in a kaleidoscoping chaos sort of way.  Jocelyn, Jonah, Vera and I left early Saturday, September 7 in the morning and drove the two hours to Cumberland, MD.  We drove directly to the YMCA to pick up our packets.  Jocelyn picked hers up to get her schwag even though she wasn't doing the race.  I started to feel emotional at packet pick up. This was really going to happen...

Then we drove directly to the Rocky Gap State Park so that I could "rack" my bike - not that I had any idea what the heck that meant... in any real way.  But it was easy.  I found my spot and set up my bike.  The park was gorgeous.  I saw the lake.  The kids ran around and had a blast.  But then it was time to get back to the car for the family adventure... (you knew there was going to be an adventure right?!?)

We drove back to downtown Cumberland to the Western Maryland Train Station.  They have this old steam train that is super cool that takes you to Frostburg, MD through the historic Alleghany Pass on the historic train tracks.  Once there, the engine is disconnected from the train and put on the turnaround and you see how they turn the original steam engines around. The kids liked the ride (although I did not realize it is an hour ride) and it was super cool to see the engine turn around.  Then we hung out in Frostburg and visited the bookstore and the ice cream shop and then back on the train.  Kids were tired and a bit less interested in the train ride back.  Once back at Cumberland, we hung out and played at the playground right near the train station and then headed to our hotel - a few blocks away.

We all took showers and ordered in pizza and pasta and watched TV.  Everyone was exhausted and fell asleep pretty quickly.  The internet sucked so I had to go to the lobby to use the hotel computer to figure out what I actually needed to do on race day - because you see I had figured out the train ride excursion adventure perfectly but had not really focused on the particulars of the race... I met a few people in the hotel and read everything from the website and decided I would take a cab to the race site at 5am and Jocelyn would meet up with me later with the kids.  I did not sleep at all.  Nerves I guess.

I was relieved to get up and get dressed in my newly acquired Tri-suit and go.  The cab was 15 minutes late but it was fine.  I was at the race site by 5:30am.  I went to my bike and laid everything out - not that I knew what I was doing. I just kept talking to everyone - and everyone was amazingly nice and supportive and helpful.  The race is an all women race.  It is hard to describe but it was like being at an all women's club meeting where you were with your best friends and everyone was totally into ensuring you had a great time and succeeded... pretty spectacular.  Plus, we were in the most amazing space ever.  When I arrived it was totally dark.  After getting settled in, I left the transition area and went and sat a bench and watched the sunrise.  I meditated.  I was so happy.  I was so just there.  It had been a crazy couple of weeks.  I had had a few interviews and I knew I was close to getting a job offer for one and maybe two positions.  I had a final follow-up interview the next day for one of the jobs.  Everything was about to change in my life, but first I would swim one half mile, bike 16 miles, and then run 2.5 miles - by myself with my spouse and kids cheering me on.  I was about to become an Iron Girl - if I could be there and do it.  I cried.  Not a crazy cry.  A soft cry of relief.  Of happiness.  Of being proud and scared.  Appreciating the sunrise and everything else.  And I breathed.  I could smell the lake.  The Gatorade.  The air.  The trees.  The vinyl swim caps.  The sweat.  It was all right there.  I could hear everything - through the music blaring I could hear random kids laughing, water moving, breeze whispering, dogs barking, the air going into the bicycle tires and the coffee swishing in the cups.  It was all right there.

I ate a piece of my honey cake from Rosh Hashannah and washed it down with my Gatorade.  If not now, then when.  This was my moment.

I continued to talk to lots of people:  the 70 year old woman who began doing triathlons at 65 and said she has never felt better, the woman who told me I just could not wear my water shoes, "Are you crazy? Have you ever swam a long distance with those clunky things - ditch them now!" that is what she told me and I listened.  The other woman who told me she was from Washington DC but had drove up twice before to bike the course.  It is HILLY she said - with no flats at all.  She told me I must use my gears often and that I should not brake on the downhills and must use all the momentum to get up the next hill!  I listened.  There were lots of "groups" of women who came together as friends or official teams crowded together, cheering each other on.  It felt so exciting to be there.

Around 7am I borrowed someone's phone and called Jocelyn.  I told her I would enter the water at 7:45 and there was a viewing spot right at the water exit so that she could see me when I got out.  I told her she should be there about 8:15 to see me get out.  The next 45 minutes went very fast, because soon enough the called the hot pink caps (how ironic)... that was me! It was time!

The Race.

SWIM
I had pictured myself running into the water or jumping off a cliff.  That is not what this was.  This was a walking into the water start and then lining up at the start line?  As we were walking in the announcer guy screams for us to stop - and makes a joke how we all looked 25 but this was supposed to be the 40 and over group - We all really liked that!  I was still a bit hesitant as I have never really been in a lake before.  I was a bit terrified of swimming in a lake.  I love swimming.  I love swimming in the ocean and I have done laps in the ocean before - but lakes - ICK!  They are dark.  Stuff grows on the bottom.  So I walked in - the temperature was perfect but I went to a spot I did not have to put my feet down.  There was a ton of plants and stuff  - yuck!  The water was dark.  I treaded water for about 3 minutes and talked to the group near me - again everyone was awesome.  Then the gun went off and we started.  I let most people go in front of me, that was my plan.  I knew I wanted to stay on the inside.  A woman had told me - keep the buoys on your left and you will be fine.  The course was a weird triangle and I was worried about getting lost... I finally started to swim but each time I put my head under I got disorientated... which was weird for me - but it was because the water was so dark... so I would catch my breath, breathe and try again.  I did it a few times and then took a deep breath and I decided to just be with it all.  Yes, I love to swim. Yes, swimming is my thing. Yes, I am a bit anxious about putting my head in the water which is weird. Yes, I am going to swim this.  I swam the whole thing with my head up doing the breast stroke.  I was slow.  I was not tired at all.  I was in the race and totally there and in control of my race.  I was OK.  I was better than OK I was good.  I knew next time I would be able to do it differently but for then, I was going to swim my own race that is what I needed.  Before I knew it, I was at the swim out gate and once out of the water - there they were - Jonah, Vera and Jocelyn.  I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM.  I ran up and gave them all a huge hug and I knew what an amazing thing I had just done. I was so happy.  To the bike!

BIKE.
I got to transition and I totally had to pee.  This is funny because I never have to pee.  But I had a Gatorade in the morning and I had to pee.  I was wet and in my tri suit and I had no idea what to do.  I stood near my bike and just pee'ed, right there.  Standing up like I was not doing it - I just did it.  Then I dried myself off, put on my helmet, socks and shoes, then I drank some more Gatorade and got on my bike.  Just like that.  I was an athlete.  I was in a race.  I was going to bicycle in a race.  I was happy.  I walked my bike out to the shoot and got on.  I was off.  The hardest part for me was going to be this bike ride.  I bought the bike for this race.  I did maybe 9 rides on the weekend and like I said before, I hadn't ever got myself to spinning class - so I knew I could do this but was not sure what kind of shape I would be in.  I was ready.

The first part out was flat and straight and then immediately you are going on this steep hill and I see all these people walking their bikes?  I think this gave me license to get off my bike which I did, but then I had to get on it at the top WHICH IS SUPER HARD?!?!?  WTF  Sidenote: the worst part of riding for me is getting on and off the dam bike - I decided forget that -I would rather ride really slow than get off the bike.  So that it was I did.  And there were no flats.  To me, they were mountains not hills.  Lots of people passed me.  I only got off one other time at the turnaround.  I switched my gears lots.  I did not break on the down hills - which I had never done before.  I had never ridden my bike as fast as I did that day going down those down hills and riding them half way up the up hills.  It was soooo quiet.  Most of the time I was riding by myself with someone within eyesight in front of me.  Many people passed me.  Lots of people said really great things to me as they passed.  Did I mention how beautiful it was.  It was 8 miles on a country road lined with red barns and farms.  There were cows mooing at me.  Corn stalks swaying and saying hello to me.  Horses cheering me own.  As in, this stuff was within feet of my bike.  Fields and animals and trees and flowers.  We rode right into Pennsylvania. It was incredible.  And it was HARD.  The hills were really hard.  I spoke to myself out loud - I just keep saying, UP, UP, UP... and I did not get off the bike.  But I went slow at some points.  Sometimes, people who were walking their bikes were going faster then I was riding mine - but I was going.  Finally, I got off at the turnaround had Gatorade and got back on.  Eight miles back.  But it was so much easier going back.  I think it was because I knew what to expect and I knew I could do it.  I felt good.  I felt like I was really a person who rides a bicycle.  It was real and good and I was totally there.  I looked for Jocelyn and the kids when I got to the Bike In shoot but did not see them.  I racked my bike and took off my helmet.  Put my UTLAW baseball cap on and grabbed my phone.  Drank a little Gatorade and I was off. 

RUN.
I ran out of the shoot and I never felt happier to be running.  I could do this.  I have run marathons.  I mean I could walk the 2.5 miles if I needed to - but I felt great.  I knew I could run it.  It was going to be a bit hilly - that is what people had said earlier but I knew it would be ok.  I had to get my Galloway timer working on my phone.  I set it up and continued - I run a minute and then walk a minute - it is called the Galloway running method and I love it! Then I realized I should call Jocelyn and let her know where I was. So I did that and she was good and said she would see me at the finish - then I had to reset my timer program - so the first few minutes were a bit distracted but then I settled in.  I had a really good run.  Not as fast as I would have liked.  I didn't feel tired but my walks were a bit slower than usually but I felt good.  I finally started passing some people and even bumped into a few other Galloway runners so that was cool.  The final leg into the finish line was downhill which was great.  I came into the run in shoot and saw Jocelyn, Jonah and Vera and it felt great - I was running fast and did not stop.  I gave Joc a big high five and sprinted into the finish and put my hands up when I crossed.  When I stopped after I was through to get my medal - the tears came out and all I could say was, YES.  YES YES YES.  I did it.  I was an Iron Girl.  And everything else: a daughter, sister, wife, mother, lawyer, cancer survivor, friend, stay-at-home mom, person who loves to eat, drink, laugh, dance, sing, do projects, and use her kaleidoscope... YES.  It was all there in that moment. I finished 822 out of 900 or so people.  I finished and I was an Iron Girl.

I walked through to the opening and Jocelyn, Vera and Jonah jumped me.  We found a picnic table and they gave me their sign and kisses and hugs.  We took the best picture ever sitting at that table.  Then we did all this walking around to get the car and all my gear and headed back to the hotel.  We didn't really hang out there - I had my moment and we were off to a family party with Jocelyn's family at Shady Shide...  So we did everything and I took a shower and changed and we got into the car.  Just like that.  I was an Iron Girl back with her family going to a Sunday party with more family - and life goes on.

The Irony.

Here's the thing.  The race changed my life.  But my life was already changing.  Because nothing stays the same. 

We did Tashlisch (Jocelyn, Jonah, Vera and I- tashlich is a Jewish ritual of throwing bread crumbs into a natural body of water after the Jewish New Year but before Yom Kippur as a way of "throwing away your sins before the new year" - it was emotional and corny to do it but great) at Shady Side because the house is one the water.  It was wonderful.  The kids said they would behave more and wanted to be forgiven for making wrong choices.  Jocelyn and I both promised to be better parents and spouses.  It was quiet and beautiful and meaningful.

I went to the follow-up meeting for the job that Monday and got the offer.  That was it.  Just like that I was going to be a working mom.

Things change.  Things stay the same.  Sometimes things that are so different in every way and 14 years apart can actually be very much the same. How ironic.

These past few days (has it been exactly two weeks ago that I became an Iron Girl) I can not stop thinking about the NY Marathon and the Iron Girl.  How much they are a part of me.  How they are just these races and not much else - but how for me they were so much more.  How on the surface they seem like two totally different completely opposite experiences - almost as if two different people completed them - but really how at their core - they are so similar.  It is somewhat ironic.

I think what I have realized is simple. 

Even when you are completely engaged with a group friends doing a group activity for six months in one of the biggest, noisiest, most amazing cities in the world surrounded by all of your family and friends for 5 hours along an amazing route of sights and smells that culminates in the roar of crowds of people that mimics a great rock concert - it is ultimately you that crosses the finish line on your own - alone...

and

Even when you spend most of the time training by yourself for a race you will complete by yourself, and the race is in the middle of nowhere and it is quiet and serene and your fans are cows, corn stalks and horses, when you cross the finish line, you are not alone but everyone who helped you in every little and big way - whether it was your trainer, your cab driver, your buddies, the babysitter, your kids, the guy at the store who helped you pick out your trisuit, your facebook friends who posts their runs, the women who talked to you before the race or your spouse who has supported you in a million different ways both small and large are right there with you when you take those steps across the line...

You are always alone.  You are always together.  It is just how you look at it.  How you experience it. How you remember it. Irony.

It is more wonderful that each time I learned something about myself.  I am sure I now see this because of the mindfulness work I have been doing.  But these races were symbolic physical expressions of challenges and changse that I anticipated.  They were/are ways for me to be with myself and distract myself. 

I am an Iron Girl now.

Tomorrow, I go back to work - my first day at my new job, ironically for the federal government...

Life has changed - or has it.

Life is good, really good.

Life is hard, really hard.

Just keep breathing - in and out (and swimming, biking and running... and working...)

I was able to capture my stay-at-home motherhood in a moment after the race when my kids kissed me. 

Tomorrow I begin a new adventure.  I am grateful that the Iron Girl race gave me a place to put the anxiety, excitement, apprehension and anticipation of becoming a working mom that was bubbling inside of me.

I can do this.

I knew that. I know it.

But it was great to get a kiss and medal as proof.

Thank you Iron Girl.

Hello New Job.

I still have that kaleidoscope in my back pocket...

To be continued... (maybe once a month or so I will check in with you guys... it is good for my soul!)

Oh the irony...

PS I hope to do Iron Girl next year too - who wants to join me!

Me at the NY Marathon finish line - Nov. 1999