kaleidoscoping chaos...: December 2013

It’s been a while since we last touched base. My last post – the post-triathlon euphoria post was, well, euphoric…

Now it is mid-December. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Chanukah have passed us by – in our house we called it Thanksgivukkah. It is now the season of darkness – we are marching each day to the shortest day of the year. There is a reason Chanukah (and Christmas, Kwanza, and all the other symbolically light religious and pagan holidays) is in the winter – these Festivals of Lights are needed to brighten and warm these dark, cold and short days of winter

As they say in one of the few popular shows that I have watched, Game of Thrones, “Winter is Coming…” Indeed it is.

Jocelyn and I started watching the show last winter in January 2013. We caught up on the all of the seasons and we are anxiously waiting for the next season (I think it comes out spring 2014). It is a weird mix of violence, fantasy, sex, royals, war, strategy – it is kinda like the Tudors but set in a barbarian fantasy land with magic – or something like that. We loved it! There is one character in it who I. Just. Love.

Her name is Queen Daenerys Targaryen. It is a long story but she is now this very cool character who is the Mother of Dragons… literally. The short story is this. She was the daughter of the King who sat on the Iron Throne. There was a rebellion and her dad (deemed “mad” by many) and most of her family were killed except her and her brother. Her family had ruled for a while and in their history they had been powerful because they had dragons. The dragons have been gone for a very long time. She and her brother were no longer in power and on their own. Her weird power hungry brother sold her off as a wife/slave to a barbarian tribe King. She gets married to this guy she has never met and received these ancient dragon eggs as a wedding present. Fast forward some episodes/seasons later – this woman who hasn’t said much becomes this formidable Queen to the barbarian King and they fall in love. She is pregnant with the heir to the united two royal houses. One thing leads to another – her evil brother is killed, her husband dies and she loses the baby – BUT she hatches the dragon eggs in the fires of the funeral pyres of her husband’s death ritual – WOW! She becomes the mother of real, live, fire breathing dragons – through despair she literally breathes magical wonder into those eggs and the dragons are the greatest things ever. The story continues from there and she in the midst of a huge political power struggle/war to reclaim the throne – the Iron Throne with the help of her dragons – which she refers to as her children. She is also gorgeous, powerful and quite the heroine – although I am a bit worried that her character arc might take turn this coming season – but we shall see.

I am the Mother of Dragons

Back to me. I’ve decided I am the mother of my own dragons – Jonah & Vera. I mean that in the best sense. And like Queen Daenerys Targaryen, I find myself often going to war and trying to out strategize the most sophisticated of opponents – my kids. Unlike Queen Daenerys Targaryen, my dragons are sometimes my opponents…

Remember, I went back to work. We have a new schedule – and I was never a schedule person to begin with. But now, every workday/school day we are very very scheduled. A typical day goes like this. Hopefully everyone slept through night – though lately that is not always happening. Jocelyn and I usually get up at 5am and try to have some “us time” before the beginning of our action packed days. From 5:30am to 6:30am that is my time to be on call. If the kids don’t get up then I can sleep in – but if they get up, I start the getting up, go to the bathroom, brush teeth and get dressed routine. Then at 6:30am Jocelyn takes over. She finishes getting them dressed and ready and then they have breakfast together. That is when I take a shower and get dressed for work. Around 7:30am, I join them and we have a bit of chaotic family time as the lunches get packed - they are “made” the night before.

At 7:45am, we start the bathroom stop, socks, shoes, goodbyes and the goal is to be in the car at 7:55.

Going to War.

This is when we got to war…

It didn’t start off that way – but it evolved into a war. They do not want to put on their socks or shoes. They do not want to go to the bathroom. They do not want to put on their coats, hats or gloves… It is war. A war of wills, of patience, and of mind control. Jocelyn actually described it about a month ago after I was walking out the door with the kids – both of them acting like complete crazy possessed wackos… she looked at me directly in my eyes after we hugged good-bye and she said. “this is like going to war…” She was right.

As a result, we have instituted some new disciplinary techniques. We went back to strictly adhering to the 123 Magic book. It has gotten much better – but it is still war. Sometimes a quieter war, more passive war. But it takes patience, will power, strategy, foresight, planning and a lot of mindful breathing…

I drop the kids off a school at 8am on the dot. They are usually the first kids to school – which is actually nice in a way – it is quiet then. They get “special time” with their teachers and they like it. Drop off is hit or miss – sometimes easy peasy – sometimes a minor battle – but it gets done. I often walk back to my car dressed in my work clothes and hot pink crocs (I cannot do all the war stuff in heels), I fall into the driver’s seat of my car, switch the radio from the Princess and the Frog soundtrack to NPR, and then I take a really long deep breath (it might also be part sigh), the time is usually 8:12am – it feels like I just went to war. I start the car and then it is time to go to work…

Going to Work

I drive about 15 minutes to my work parking garage. Park. Put on my three and half inch heels and take off my hot pink crocs. Throw my government ID badge around my neck, grab my leopard print computer bag and leather purse (remnants from my law firm partner days) and go to my office. I am the first one to my office suite. I open the door. I flip on the lights. I make my coffee. I turn on my computer. For about 30 to 45 minutes I am in quiet. I organize my work day and try to get some key things done off my work-to-do list as efficiently as possible before my colleagues arrive. It is the exact opposite of dealing with my kids. The new job is great. I am lucky. It is still new and I am enjoying it. I have never been so conscious of being efficient and effective while I am at the office in my work career. The substantive work I am doing is rewarding. It is a new and extremely interesting subject matter. It is also a new position for me – which involves lots of different skills that I enjoy using – lots of people skills. Lots of strategy, politics and intuition. Lots of patience and observation. Maybe it is not that different from my mom role – just a lot quieter with much bigger words. It is nice to spend my day having adult conversations in which my insight and intelligence is valued. It feels good to be using my brain in a more intellectual way again. I can literally feel the cylinders firing at fast speeds when I sit in meetings (I have many meetings) or when I am drafting documents. It is all good. A picture of each of my kids is prominently displayed in my office. I look at them often. I miss my dragons and think about them sporadically throughout the day. I am often talking about them to my new work colleagues. Such is the life of the working mom. I do feel pangs of guilt for not being home more with them sometimes. I do really miss going on spur of them moment adventures with them and creating all kinds of projects with them at completely unscheduled times.

But then I remember, how much they LOVE school. How well they are doing at school. I think about the “portfolios” their teachers gave to us at parent-teacher night – filled with photos of them “working” on their Montessori work. Vera is blossoming. She is wearing underwear now and speaks in full paragraphs. She is constantly signing, dancing and narrating her way through her day. Jonah is sounding out words, trying to read everything, adding things and speaking French. Apparently, they have both taken it upon their selves to help “teach” younger kids in their classes?!?! They are constantly singing all the songs from The Sound of Music – the music they will perform at their holiday show. I go through this checklist and I sigh. I breathe again – in my most mindful way. I am so damn lucky.

I work all day and at 5:30pm, I switch from office mommy to pick-up kids mommy. Whatever is going on, I must excuse myself (I am so lucky for my ability to have a job that I can do this) and walk out the door. It is hard for me do this – goes against my previous professional habits – but my dragons are waiting for me. My most anxious time of the day is the drive from my office building to their school. I have 30 minute to make it to school before school closes. I usually get there in 15 minutes but the smallest thing can throw me off – rain, a stopped car on Conn Ave, a missed traffic light… They are usually the last kids to get picked up. They are tired and hungry. I wrestle my dragons to the car. We get home by 6:10pm and then we have dinner, take showers, watch one Curious George show, read a book/story together and then bedtime. Jocelyn usually arrives home at some point during this time on a good day. Once they are in bed, I clean up the kitchen, make their lunches for the next day, Jocelyn and I hang out for less than 30 minutes and then we go to sleep. Sometimes I need to get back online for work to finish something and check emails but usually I do not.

It starts all over again at 5am the next morning.

Giving Thanks.

THANK YOU UNIVERSE! It is hard. It is wrought with unscheduled crises and contingencies like teacher conference days off from school, kids getting sick not being able to go to school, delayed school openings because of snow, snow days off from school, my recent work trip to California, and much much more – but so far we have made it happen. We are only three months in, we are exhausted, and I am thankful!

This past Thanksgivvukah, I could not believe how thankful I really was/am. Thankful for my dragons. My crazy, smart, compassionate, loud, energetic, empathetic, and mysterious dragons. I must have done something right at some point in my life, because I ended up with them. I am so grateful that I found a job in less than a month and that I like it, I am challenged by it and so far it works for me as much as I am working at it. I am so lucky and thankful I have family that supports me. My parents have already been here to help with the kids when I had to work. My in-laws are always there for us and have already offered to help over the holiday break. I am grateful that Jocelyn and I have been able to create a schedule in which we both take care of each other and the kids, to get it done, to go to war and to go to work – this is big stuff.

We even managed to do a family Turkey Trot with some very good friends on Thanksgiving Day. I may go to an office during the day, during the week – but when I am not there I am still scheming adventures for us all. (We even did a Halloween 5k with kids in Philly as – we dressed as up as superheroes of course.)

It was a wonderful Halloween, Chanukah and Thanksgiving. We are lucky we spent it with family and friends. We are lucky to have each other.

Winter is Coming.

It actually may already be here. It is pitch dark when I leave work at 5:30pm. It is cold outside. We already had a big snow. The New Year is fast approaching. Time is flying by. The next phase is unfolding quickly before my eyes – and I just went to the eye doctor – new progressive lens glasses for me! As we get older, the Dr. told me our eye sight gets worse. Just as in the winter, it gets darker and then it is harder for us to see. Maybe we are supposed to feel more, concentrate on seeing less. I feel that my kids are getting older and more independent. I feel like I am getting older, more tired and maybe just a little bit wiser. I feel like my relationships with my family and friends are even more important when it is so cold and dark outside. Winter is coming.

Winter is always coming. The winter of aging. The winter of maturing. The winter of darkness. The winter of coldness.

Those dragons of mine. They breathe very bright, hot, sparkling fire into that cold darkness. Like I said, I am so grateful for them.

No matter how busy, cold, dark, or overwhelming this winter might be – I can breathe too. Even if my breath is not fire, it can bring space and calm into my world. Whether I am going to war, going to work, or giving thanks… I am thankful for that breath.

I am looking forward to the new season of Game of Thrones in Spring 2014. And although, I am trying earnestly to “be” present in this winter of holiday programs at the kids’ school, holiday breaks, holiday parties at work, and holiday celebrations with family and friends – I would lie if I wasn’t also excited that after winter – it is good to know that Spring follows. Rebirth, warmth, magic and light – and the Game of Thrones on TV.

Another chance to change again, to grow more, to take deeper breaths and to just be…

“When your dragons were born, our magic was born again.” – Game of Thrones. Season 2, Episode 10.