C is for... cuddles, cool purse, & cancer

I almost never talk about the fact I had cancer in my regular life.  It just doesn't come up.  Except when people ask me about my purse... 

Exactly a year ago around 6am CST, I woke up in a nondescript hotel room with my dad-it had a nondescript hotel room smell.  We then took the "shuttle" to the cancer center.  We were the first procedure. I can clearly smell the dry, stale, sterile, air of the outpatient clinic.  Then quickly, it all goes blank, the effects of the IV drugs kick in to put me to sleep. When I wake up in the recovery room, the same smell surrounded me, although this time there was a whiff of saltine crackers.  The nurse wanted to know, did I want some saltine oyster crackers...  The crackers are dry, hard, and crumbling on me and in my mouth.  A moment later I realize I am bandaged.  My body has been cut, and my head and heart are tired.

The next day, I took a walk around the hotel shopping complex.  I passed one store 7 times.  In the window was a bright pink, white and black purse with polka dots and flowers.  I bought that purse.  I threw out my old purse and put all my stuff in the new purse.  It smelled like new fresh and crispy leather.  It felt supple and rich.  The colors were bright and happy.  I deemed this my "I will beat cancer purse" and every time someone commented or complimented me on the purse-that is what I told them.  It is pink, happy and mine and it screams, "I will be beat cancer."

Fast forward 356 days later, this morning I woke up and the first smell I smell is cold fresh whole milk as I pour it into a bottle for Vera at 6am EST.  As I walked into her room with her bottle, I smell her soaking wet sour and sweet diaper from 11 hours of sleep.  I changed her as she giggled and grabbed for her bottle.  Then we sat in her room.  She was sucking her bottle as if it was the best bottle she ever had.  She was all cuddled up on my lap, fitting perfectly into my body (the one that had been cut a year ago) as if she was created just for that spot.  I could smell all of her different smells covering me, engulfing me, making me happy.  Her sweet sweat from her night time sleep, the creamy smell of lotion that I rub on her after her bath,  the smell of her hair smothered in shampoo and conditioner... even her stale sour milk burp, all of it around us like a perfect halo of goodness.

Two hours later, Jonah wakes up.  He is looking for us with urgency.  He finds us in the kitchen.  He tells me, "mom I am sleepy. Can we cuddle some more?"  It is as if he knows what happened exactly a year ago.  My son has never asked to sleep "more" - not one day in his entire life.  He smells so sweet in the morning: sweat, wet diaper, lotion, open mouth while he sleeps, hair products all folded into one Jonah smell-I hug him very very tight, and he hugs me just as tight.  We take Vera back up and all go to his room.  Jonah and Vera roll around in his bed amid giggles and laughter, I feel like I might cry.  We open the window and a cool breeze whips through the room.  Not cold, just slightly cool.  It smells so fresh and so full of life-almost the smell you imagine when you see a laundry detergent commercial.  In that moment, I know it is going to be a good day.

The journey after the first operation was long and not easy. There is much more to tell.  What I know is that today book ends the disease for me.  For some reason, we are conditioned to view things in blocks of time. And at this one year marker, I can find a moment and a smell to write down, remember and move past.

At the bagel store today, the clerk said, I love your purse!"  I just said thank you and nothing else.  Today my purse is ripped, dirty and wrinkled.  It smells of crushed peanut butter crackers, dirty pacifiers, soggy goldfish crackers, dried up baby formula and drops of apple juice.  These are some of the most beautiful smells I have ever smelled-they are the smells of living life.  And that is what is truly beautiful.

Tendonitis Update:  Arms/hands feeling much better!

cuddle crew

CUDDLES!

Cool Purse!