I am often noting how tired I am in my posts. This is a new experience for me. I am "that" person. The one who always stayed up late at night. Yep, even when I was a baby. It is part of the reason I can not get too mad at Jonah for his completely unacceptable sleeping behavior according to the guru Dr. Weissbluth (see here) - I was the same way.
Growing up I never had a bedtime. I would stay up with my mom and do stuff, or watch TV (mostly watch TV). We would watch the TV network movie that usually ended at 11pm right before the network news, or sometimes, after the news, we'd watch the late night movie or the Johnny Carson Show. I can actually remember watching TV on a small black & white TV in my parent's room. I can perfectly see and hear the music for the nightly "movie" introduction in my head. We'd watch movies like, Irma La Douce with Shirley McClain or Gentlemen Prefer Blonds with Marilyn Monroe. I never went to bed early.
In later years, I stayed up late in my room and watched the Honeymooners, MASH, and The Twilight Zone till the wee hours of the morning. When I got even older, in high school, I never did my homework until 11pm and usually stayed up all night doing school work. When I finally got to college, I had it down cold. I could go out and have fun all night and then sleep all day- no problem - I had been practicing since I was born! And all nighters - that is just what I did, and did well. I could go days without a full night of sleep and then crash on the weekends. My sleep patterns continued for years. My years living in Manhattan after college, working hard and playing hard - and not sleeping that much. Then I went to law school and I was right back into the "all nighter study/cram sessions" - that is the only way I knew how to study.
In 1998, I started my first law job as a government attorney. I spent most of my nights exploring my new city Washington DC and creating a new life for myself - while working hard during the day and sometimes at night.
In 2001, I started at a BigLaw law firm. It was as if is all my years of existing on little or no sleep had led me to that job.
I travelled and worked all the time! I made some amazing friends. I did enjoy it. I had great opportunities for all different kinds of work and I was making a ton of money - and I could do it - I could stay up four nights in a row all night on a project and then fly home and crash for a couple of hours and go back to the office. I was good at it. I was really good at it. I did that for about 10 years. After working at three firms (left the first firm with a partner and then while at the second firm we merged with another firm...), becoming partner, paying off all my student loans, buying a fantastic Dupont Circle condo and meeting and marrying the love of life, I left the law.
In 2008, I went and did campaign work - and even though I was 38, I was able to campaign it out with the 20 year olds - why? Because I could stay up late and get shit done - and then go have a drink!
I had thought the whole sleeping thing, it just was what it was... then in 2009, I had Jonah...
LITERAL WAKE UP CALL!!!
It was a hard pregnancy. I was sick for 9 mos. It was a stressful birth, the umbilical cord stopped working so they literally took him out of me at 37 weeks. Then he was in the NICU for 12 days. We brought him home and he cried non-stop for 6 mos and he did not sleep. Well, he slept in my arms while I would sit in the rocker/recliner chair for about 2 hours at a time. For six months! We tried everything (I MEAN EVERYTHING). I finally got it... this was clearly what all my previous "lack of sleep training" activities had been preparing me for... a kid who was not going to sleep.... and that Dr. Weissbluth, Mr. Ferber, the Sleep Lady - it is just how it goes sometimes... you can not just follow a book and fix it... life sometimes can not just be fixed... screw you...
Eventually, Jonah started sleeping in a bed... at around a year. And in longer intervals - 5 hours and then 7 hours. I would always say in Jonah's defense - President Clinton only sleeps 5 hours a day - and he is brilliant - brilliant people do not need to sleep that much! (made me feel better about myself too)
It is not all Jonah's fault. He seriously needs his tonsils and adenoids out - they affect his ability to sleep soundly. We are going to do it this summer.
When we got back to Washington DC in January 2010 after our 6 mos in Chicago, we had sleep routine down. He sort of went to bed in his bed around 8pm and stayed there until around 3am or 4am and then came into our bed. I was getting some good sleep for me (about 4 or 5 hours) - all was good.
In Spring 2010, we got hit with the breast cancer/infant adoption explosion.
We dealt with it. We had lots of help. We had night nannies and family. I was trying to get some rest from the surgeries and the treatments. In September 2010, I was done with the cancer, Jonah was a little over 2 and Vera was 6 mos old. (I must add that Vera slept in a crib or pack-n-play from the first day we met her - she was 4 days old - she is a great sleeper). I was really tired... I had just completed 6 weeks of radiation therapy so everyone said it was OK to be tired.
It is now May 2012, I am still tired. Maybe it is the cumulative effect of all those years of staying up late. Maybe it is just because I am mom of 2 little kids. Maybe it because we had a big three years - since 2009. Maybe it is because I am turning 42 this year, and well it sucks to get older. Maybe it is because I haven't been exercising. But I am freaking tired - all the time. It doesn't stop me from doing anything - but I feel different.
This weekend at the beach, I was tired - like I am all the time. We were at my friend's beach house and well, you know how it is with little kids in new places... sometimes it is a little tricky. For reasons unbeknown to me, on Monday morning at a little before 5:00am, both of our kids were up and making a lot of noise! I looked at Jocelyn, and said get their shoes, let's just get in the car. When in doubt, grab the kaleidoscope and try to make it beautiful.
(BTW, Jocelyn is the exact opposite of me - she loves to sleep and has always slept significant hours in every day... she doesn't get me on this sleep thing at all... she was not pleased to be up at 5am, but had her game face on - good going Jocelyn)
Somewhere in my head (we may have even said it out loud in a hushed voiced in the car to each other), I wanted to drive to the end of the Long Beach Island, throw both kids off the island and go back to bed. Instead, we drove the end of the island, got donuts, met some fishermen (because those are the people who get up at 5am while at the beach....), saw the sun try to break through the clouds, saw a sea gull catch a fish, walked the pier, watched the boats and visited a light house... all before 7:30am.
Like I said, sometimes, you need to get up very early to really see the light... or the light house, whichever it may be.
Yes, I am still tired.
Jocelyn and I are resetting our lives now that we have our new house and she has her new job. We are going to eat better, sleep better, exercise and go on more dates. Hoping to get my non-tired groove back soon!
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